You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
