neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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