My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
