if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
