Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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