i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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