you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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