I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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