now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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