First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
