We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
