Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The air taste purple.
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