My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize