now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
