My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
