I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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