All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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