I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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