Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Boobs speak an international language.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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