Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I just found puke in my bra..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
