You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
