I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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