it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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