I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
