Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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