There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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