I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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