Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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