You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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