I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
