I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
