If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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