yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
