I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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