one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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