plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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