I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
