Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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