I am puke
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
