I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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