just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
