I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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