remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
