I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
