the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
