I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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