Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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