Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
