i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
