I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
