i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
