I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
