I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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