she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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