Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
