The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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